Grease is Good


We’ve always loved pizza. When Nathan and I met, we regaled each other with our youthful excursions to the local Shakey’s. Me, Friday nights with Mom and Dad listening to “Fly Like an Eagle” blaring from the jukebox, wiping my greasy hands on my Chemin De Fer jeans. Him, shoving entire slices in his mouth while cutting school, his greasy fingers from the pepperoni coating the joystick of the Asteroid machine. Grease is good.

We still like pizza, but we miss the orangish-red oil that used to seep out of the pepperoni and flavor the pizza with spice and tang. Thankfully, we no longer have to because Tofurky has come out with a vegan pepperoni that takes us back to a simpler time, a delicious time, a greasy time, only without the disgusting coagulated glandular secretions (cheese), the body parts (pepperoni), or the cruelty they came with which we were too young and stupid to understand.


Gordon Gekko says, “Grease is good!”

Everyone remembers the “greed is good” speech from Gordon Gekko in the 1980s mega-hit, Wall Street, starring Michael Douglas and the pre-meltdown Charlie Sheen. But if you listened carefully enough, it wasn’t greed he was talking about, but grease. He was regaling stockholders of Teldar Paper with the suggestion they invest, or rather ingest, Tofurky’s delicious, greasy pepperoni slices:

I am not a destroyer of vegan pizzas. I am a liberator of them! The point is, ladies and gentleman, that grease, for lack of a better word, is good. Grease is right, grease works. Grease clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the deliciousness spirit. Grease, in all of its forms; grease for life, for money, for love, knowledge, for tasty vegan pizzas, has marked the upward surge of mankind. And grease, you mark my words, will not only save the vegan pizza, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much.


For best results, be sure to sauté both sides of the pepperoni in olive oil before you put them on the pizza. This not only toughens them up, but gets their juices flowing. Grease is good.

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